The past few weeks for me have been a real trial. I didn’t open up to a lot of people about it while I was actually going through it (and probably won’t), but now that I am on the other side I feel a lot better.
It started with the loss of a family member, which made me think back to the me of 2012 and before (probably back to around 2006/7. I was a much different person back then. I didn’t have as much anxiety. Depression? Hell no! Well, maybe a little, but nothing like what I have experienced since 2013/2014. I guess another reason I started this blog was to try to pull myself out of the hole I had allowed myself to fall into. I pushed away a lot people in that time, I tried to push away my husband (he wasn’t my husband at the time), thankfully he saw through my bullshit.
Then my husband went to Florida to help with the Hurricane Relief Work. I gave him the green light to go, we discussed it in-depth. What I was not expected was how it would affect me in many ways. I realized that I am much more isolated now that I have ever been before and somehow… somehow I became okay with this. I think only four people knew everything that went on in this time and that is two friends in California (only one I have met in real life!), my mom (who came over once) and my oldest sister.
Not even a week after he got back, an old friend reached out to me. I mean, childhood BFF (in my opinion, I can only hope she felt the same about me. lol) and it brought back a huge flood of memories that I had spent years trying to block out. I am not sure why? I guess because my life had gotten flipped upside down in my parents divorce (I was around 11/12 when this happened, this friendships were prior to that and I don’t recall talking to any of them after) to the point I associated most of my childhood with negative. It’s funny how sometimes in trying to forget the bad, you forget the good as well. Anyways, after A (we will call her this cause I don’t know if she would be okay with her name being out there) and me got to talking she reminded me of other friends that I used to the hang out with on an almost daily basis. I reconnected with two of them, well kind of. I reconnected with the oldest of the two and I haven’t sent anything to the youngest yet. Mainly because I don’t know if I am expecting reasonable things. I think I am missing my childhood, the simplicity of being a kid, hanging out and cracking jokes, no anxiety, not caring what the other people thought too much. It was an amazing friendship between us all (mainly me, A, and the youngest of the other two).
Here is what I took away over my five weeks of pretty much isolation and loneliness. I’ve changed. Well no shit, Sherlock! Everyone changes as they grow up. I used to have a light that was bright, I would talk to anyone, I didn’t try to fit into a clique, I was just me. I hung out in the back of the classroom (I was still shy back then), but if you ever needed something I’d help. Everyone was a potential friend. I used to love the outdoors and I would never be caught inside. I loved being around others, playing pretend, running around or riding my bike. I feel like somewhere along the way, I lost my light. I never realized that before, I dreaded this work trip but looking back now, I think I needed it. The me now, is so different from the friendly, outgoing, loving person of my childhood. I push people away, I block them out, I avoid social interactions. unless I can’t. Most of all, I don’t help as much as I used to. Friends, yes. Strangers? no. So (and this has nothing to do with the new year) I plan on attempting to find that light and igniting it again. I want to feel more like myself that I have the past five – six years. I want to get rid of the anxiety and work on getting back to the person I always thought I would be. I am so thankful to have a husband that has loved me through this instead of giving up on me.
I am definitely thinking about buying a fitness watch, but I don’t know what kind to go for at all. I was eyeing the Samsung Galaxy Watch, but the reviews have me nervous. Does anyone have any suggestions about that?